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I’m not sure if there’s anything you can do to become confident, but there are definitely things that help. When you’re showering, doing housework, or walking down the street and can’t think of a podcast you want to listen to, try being silent for once. Listen to each thought as it swims through your brain. First thing in the morning, before you get out of bed, write three pages in a journal. Don’t be neat with it, don’t write as if someone is going to publish it in Penguin after you die, scribble every horrible, stupid, baseless thought that pops into your head. Write so fast that you don’t have time to self-censor. Get rid of all unpleasant things—fears, insecurities. You will begin to understand why you behave the way you do, and just understanding that will make it much easier for you to stop these thought patterns, to form new and healthier thought patterns. Get outside and sweat a few times a week. When you come home from the pub, dance a little naked in front of the mirror. Try out some stupid TikTok eyeliner trends. Manual masturbation. Be around people who notice you, like you’re small but seem big because you’re always swinging something in the air; who give you increasingly deranged compliments under your Instagram posts like, “speechless”, “Who is Dua Lipa?” or “crush me under your tractor” when it just looks like a photo of you wearing a crop top reflected in your dirty bathroom mirror.
Do something creative, even if you’re not good at it, whether it’s writing poetry or painting a bowl of fruit with watercolors. Push yourself into the soft shell of your body and feel every part of it rubbing against the world. I spent the night of my 35th birthday sitting alone on the sofa in Staten Island, nursing an 8-day-old baby and crying quietly while my in-laws ate dinner. It’s not their fault. It’s Thanksgiving, after all, and no one can please the baby but me. We exclusively breastfed her, not even using a pacifier, because lactation consultants told us not to and she was hungry. Those days, she was always hungry. By the time my daughter stopped long enough to pass it on to my husband, my mother-in-law’s famous grilled ziti in Sicily had almost cooled down, but I still spent 15 frantic minutes stuffing everything I could into my mouth. I need food. Soon, she will be feeding again. I don’t know if I can do it.
The reality is that no breastfeeding mom in this country is set up for success. Even before my baby was born, I had many problems. I discovered that breast pumps are not covered by insurance. The Affordable Care Act supposedly made this illegal, but it turned out my plan was following the old rules (fun!). I will never forget when I called the company the insurance agent explained to me that they consider breast pumps a “luxury”. Hell is not as angry as an eight-month pregnant woman hearing a man say these words. But the point is, he wasn’t even completely wrong. How is it not a luxury when our country has nothing in the way of guaranteed parental leave? When we often argue that breastfeeding is “free,” how is it that women’s labor is not only unpaid, but completely worthless? Exclusive breastfeeding is a full-time job, however we expect people to do it outside of their jobs, not to mention the duties of caring for other children or even members of the family. elderly member of the family. With almost no social support, doing anything as laborious as breastfeeding is reserved for those with plenty of time. This past summer, the American Academy of Pediatrics even extended their recommendation to two years of exclusive breastfeeding. Many times we have been told about all the benefits of breastfeeding, but why aren’t we allowed to actually talk about how hard it is?
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